Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a particular affinity for the writing of the late Catholic priest Henri Nouwen. Affinity may not even be a strong enough word - it may be more of an obsession.
That said, I ran across a couple of statements in his book Creative Ministry that rank up there with some of the more important things I've read in the last few months. The book itself is about pastoral theology, or the relationship between the role that the pastor plays with his or her congregation and the role that the pastor plays in the Kingdom of God.
In the chapter on individual pastoral care (i.e. hospital visits, counseling, etc.), Nouwen talks about the pastor's need to be vulnerable with people - an idea that finds significant development in Nouwen's later works. While talking about this, he points out that pastors need to be both self-affirming and self-emptying:
"But self-affirmation and self-emptying are not opposites, because we can never give away what we do not have. We are unable to give ourselves in love when we are not aware of ourselves. We don't ever come to intimacy without having found and claimed our identity."
This is a truth that I have worked hard to resist, and it is a truth that is counter to the traditional understanding of ministry as a "profession." The current train of thought is that the pastor has to be able to be "professional" in every situation - by which is meant the pastor needs to be emotionally detached if he or she is going to be effective. The pastor is never called to completely surrender himself or herself to the life of the church - the pastor must retain a sense of personal identity that is sacrosanct.
Nouwen goes on to say:
"Through long and often painful formation and training, we ministers have to find our place in life, to discover our own contribution, and to affirm our own self: not to cling to it and claim it as our own unique property, but to go out, offer our services to others, and empty ourselves so that God can speak through us and invite others to new life."
I read that second quote and had one of those "Aha!" moments. I am one of those people who likes to look back at the seasons of my life and try to discern where God was moving and how God was shaping me...I find that it helps me retain hope in the future moving and shaping that God will do in my life. Anyway, I was contemplating Nouwen's words and thinking about the two years of my life that I spent outside of pastoral ministry; those times when I began to wonder if I was ever going to find that church God meant for me to lead; those months and months of living with family and answering the same tough questions about our future every Sunday at church.
I'm beginning to think that those times were part of what Nouwen calls "long and painful formation" in which I had to discover my identity and learn to affirm my own self and to prepare for the next step in that formation, which is happening here in Oklahoma - the emptying of that identity and self into others around me so that "God can speak through me and invite others to new life."
I still won't say that I enjoyed those two years. But I can say that I'm beginning to see that God was there and working and that every moment of those two years played an important role in preparing me to lead in His church. And that means it was all worth it.
1 comment:
I can't speak for God but I can tell you that those two years you spent in Lafayette were incredibly instrumental in my life. I had so much guilt and shame at that point in my life. Plus, I had the voice of a guy telling me that all my christian friends were hypocrites like me and they'd turn their backs on me when they found out what I'd done. Well, after hiding my sin for so long, it finally came out one night at Lennys. I remember it vividly because you all listened, encouraged, forgave and loved me. I'll never forget how it felt to still be accepted by you guys. I was overwhelmed by God's grace extended through you. I know those few years were rough on you without a church to lead, but you should know that God used you in an incredible way to touch my life during that time. Thanks... I'm excited to see how God continues to use you and Melissa! Peace of Christ be with you!
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