Now, I should confess that I have spent the last ten years - more than 1/3 - of my life preparing for and looking forward to the moment of my ordination. It is supposed to be the crowning moment of my ministerial career - a cairn stone that marks the official launching of my ministry. I am excited about it, as I consider it to be deeply significant - far more so than the completion of either of my degrees.
That said, my ordination is not here yet. It is not a certainty. The aforementioned interview represents the last bridge to cross, the final step in a long, long process. So it is appropriate to say that the interview is a big deal. And for the last ten years, since I accepted God's call and began traveling down this long path of preparation, I have dreaded this upcoming interview. The questions abound: What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me? What if I missed something somewhere along the way? Will the last ten years of my life have been for naught? If I fail to get ordained, does that mean I was wrong in thinking God had called me to ministry? On and on they go, running nonstop through my mind every time the thought of ordination occurred to me.
Until recently. As I spent several hours in the last couple of weeks completing the "Ordination and Commissioning Questionnaire," answering question about my family, about the Bible, about theology and about social issues like poverty and homosexuality, it occurred to me that the path on which I have been traveling has been incredibly important to me. The path itself has changed me in ways I could never have imagined.
I've met people that gave me perspective on life and altered forever the way I see God and the church - people named Craig and Tim and Mike and Dr. Thompson and Heather and a whole host of others whom I can't mention without extending this post to many, many pages. I have attended and ministered in a variety of forms at churches that have helped to form my ideas about ministry - churches like Faith Journey Church of the Nazarene, South Lake Church of the Nazarene and Lafayette First Church of the Nazarene. Along the way I've been forced to confront my own biases and prejudices, to search out on my own answers to the hardest theological questions. I've faced some of my weaknesses and come away stronger. In short, the man I am today has been shaped irrevocably by the experiences of the last ten years. And to tell the truth, I wouldn't trade the friends, churches, challenges and growth of the last ten years for anything.
Which means that, no matter what happens three weeks from today, I'll be okay. If the interview goes well and the DBMD chooses to ordain me, it will be awesome and the fulfillment of a ten year dream. If, on the other hand, the DBMD chooses - for whatever reason - to NOT ordain me, it will be disappointing, but not the end of the world. I will be okay no matter what happens at that meeting - and no matter what happens, it will not and cannot invalidate the transformation wrought by ten years on this path. Sure, they could say no, but that doesn't mean that I'm not called...it may mean that ministry looks different for me than I ever thought, but that may be a good thing.
In short - after ten years of nervously anticipating the big interview and being terrified of some verbal misstep, I am choosing to let that go. My future - including my ordination - is God's to shape, not mine. All I can do is show up at the interview and answer the questions honestly and without pretense.
That much I can do.
