Return of an Old "Friend"

I feel kind of like the hero in some bad spy movie sequel who, upon meeting the bad guy, says: "So, we meet again."  It seems like my old nemesis is trying to rear its head yet again.  I have had some issues with minor depression in the past and have been, for the most part, pretty good at fighting off the problem when it tries to come.

But for some reason it's harder this week than the last.  It feels like a battle that I can never fully win - like depression will always be with me.  Almost as if Jesus looked at me and, instead of saying, "The poor you will always have with you," has said instead, "The depression you will always have with you."  And I've got to say that I am not pleased by that.  To be fully open, I hate it.  I want to be "victorious" over it.  I don't want to continue to hear well-meaning, pious folks ask me if I have prayed about it or if there's any sin that's causing my issues.  I don't want to continue to have to spend every waking hour on the watch for that unknown trigger that will start the downward spiral, hoping that I can catch it in time.  Most of all, though, I don't want my issues with depression to be the reason that I never get a chance to pastor a church.

I know that I am God's beloved...at least intellectually.  Now if I could only learn to accept it in my heart.  I cling to the hope that, like my hero Henri Nouwen, I can find a way out of this depression and through it to a complete ministry to others.