I Blame my Sister (or how Henri Nouwen saved my soul)

I realized recently that I write and talk a lot about Henri Nouwen and his books.  I have read somewhere between 20 and 30 of his books, and there is no doubt that he has been one of the key influences on my development as a person and as a pastor.

But I've never told the story of how I came to discover this great man, this saint of the church.  Here it is:

It's all my sister's fault.  Well, sort of.  The story begins a bit before that.

When I was in my first ministry class at Olivet Nazarene University, our professor - Dr. Ron Dalton - recommended that we all read a book called The Wounded Healer by a guy I'd never heard of, Henri Nouwen.  Being a good student (and wanting a good grade), I got my hands on the book and read it.  At the time, I thought it was a good read but didn't see it as anything special.

Fast forward a bit...to the part about my sister.

By the time I was midway through college, my sister and I had started to develop the kind of relationship where we could talk - really talk - about almost anything.  We weren't where we are now, but we were on the way.  Occasionally, she would tell me about some book she was reading and sometimes she would even ask what I thought, since she knows that I am a compulsive reader.  I remember feeling so happy that someone thought my opinion on books was worth hearing.

I also recall one memorable conversation about Deepak Chopra and the things he had to say about faith.  It was that conversation that, as a protective brother and future pastor, got me a bit concerned about my sis.  After all, Chopra is not exactly an orthodox Christian by any stretch of the imagination.  So I resolved - without telling my sister - to pay a bit more attention and devote more time to the books she mentioned to me.

Fast forward a bit again.  Some time later, my sister started talking about this book Return of the Prodigal Son, by that guy Henri Nouwen.  Wanting to be sure that I could converse with my sister about the book from a theological perspective, I bought it and read it.  And I was a goner.  

Soon I started reading everything I could get my hands on by Nouwen.  I was obsessed with the message of this unassuming priest.  I even remember feeling a bit deflated when I realized that Nouwen had died in 1996 and that I would never have the chance to write to him or see him, and even more deflated when I realized that this great man of God had spent years of his life in South Bend, IN - a scant 2 hour drive from my home.

One year for Christmas (or maybe it was my birthday), my wife let me order every book by Nouwen that Amazon had in stock.  It was around 30 books.  I have since donated many of those, but the best ones - Return of the Prodigal Son, A Cry for Mercy, The Inner Voice of Love and his Spiritual Journeys still sit on my shelf just a few feet from where I sit writing.

Why did I become so obsessed with Nouwen.  The simplest way to put it is that, from that first reading of Return of the Prodigal Son, I found in Nouwen a voice that was missing in my life.  Missing and much needed.

I spent (and still spend, unfortunately) way too much of my time beating myself up for my failures and telling myself that God and others would not, could not truly love me until I fixed my flaws, until all the faults and failures had been overcome and I achieved the unachievable - becoming perfect.  I was locked in an unwinnable battle, but it was a battle that I thought I had to fight, a battle that everyone had to fight.

Nouwen was the first voice in my life that made clear to me that my wounds, faults and failures are just as much gifts from God as my victories and gifts.  He was the first voice that I was able to hear that convinced me that God's love for me is not dependent on anything and that God is not waiting and watching for me to fail so that God can punish me.  In particular, the following quote from The Inner Voice of Love sums up the message of Nouwen to me:

"Avoid all forms of self-rejection.  Acknowledge your limitations, but claim your unique gifts and thereby live as an equal among equals."

Many times in my life, when I have been on the precipice of total despair in my calling and ministry, those words have been able to, by the grace of God, pull me back to my center, to the God who loves me and will continue to love me even if I fail at every church I ever pastor.

That's how Henri Nouwen saved my soul - even after he died.

And like I said, it's all my sister's fault.

Thanks, E.