As I near the point of no return in this whole "Why I am..." series, of posts, I find myself a little afraid. Thus far I have stuck to things that are relatively painless and controversy free - things that most Christians could agree with without much hesitation.
The things to come, though, are far less safe. They are the things that have led me to the point of being an unlicensed minister, that have led me to question my denominational home, that have already disrupted some friendships & relationships. More worryingly, these things have the potential to cause further such disruptions.
Yet I am more than ever convinced that I have to write them. The act of writing down the very things that I have been afraid to say has become something of great significance. I feel as though writing them is the inescapable next step in my spiritual life - as if God is gently testing my willingness to go out, way out, on a limb for God. So I have to do it, I cannot run and hide in fear.
Before I do, though, I have a request for anyone who might read the various upcoming posts: remember grace. I recognize that some of the things I will say are going to distance me from many Christians and that many, if not most, will disagree. That's okay. I could be wrong. I only ask for the grace of others - that those who disagree will not cast me out as a heretic in their minds but sincerely pray for me as I strive to learn to pray for them.
I leave off with a prayer of Thomas Merton that I quoted several years ago in a different blog during a different life experience, but which has taken on new meaning in recent weeks and months:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Amen.
1 comment:
In the words of our former theology professor, seek "to be faithful to God who is faithful to you." That is my theological task, and I sense a hint of that in what you are writing. Agreements may not always come. People will not always deem you "faithful." But their opinion is not what matters. But rather, in doing theology--in sorting out these things--seek to be faithful to God who is faithful to you and let the grace of God take care of the rest. Peace.
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