My Biggest Fear...

I downloaded a song by Matthew West today - just a few minutes ago actually. It's a song that's been around for a while, but it's just now reaching me. The lyric that is causing a swirling torrent of emotion and angst in me is this:

"I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day without your all-consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, 'What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?'"

Every time I hear those words from the chorus of West's appropriately titled The Motions, I am filled with fear. Because West courageously puts into lyrical form my single greatest fear. I am afraid - terrified - that I will reach the end of my life and realize that I was just "playing" at this thing called faith, that I was just "going through the motions" with Jesus, that I wasn't really following Him. The worry that I am doing just that sometimes keeps me up at night.

And it's not that I am afraid that God will judge me more harshly that way or that I feel like I'm being insincere or not trying. I'm not afraid of "going through the motions" because I'm afraid of Hell. It goes deeper than that, because I have no doubt that God's grace will be sufficient even in that circumstance. I am afraid because I don't want to end up in a place where I recognize that I could have done more, that I could have helped someone else or ministered to another need or grown deeper or been more passionate. I don't want to have regrets about the life I live with God - and it makes me anxious to realize that I will always be able to do more or be more passionate and devoted to Christ.

On my computer I have a sermon preached by Louie Giglio at a Passion conference some years ago. In it, he talks about the deep sadness that will affect those who meet God face to face and haven't been in the right places, saying, "Oh, that's what YOU were doing, God? Well, I was over here doing this. That's what moved YOU? Well, this is what moved me..."

It makes me want to keep praying, "God show me more. Take me through whatever I have to go through to make me more like Christ. If it hurts, if it is uncomfortable, if it breaks me, if it kills me - teach me how to deal with it. Never let me be satisfied with who I am in You. Don't let me settle in - don't let me rest. Keep pushing me, God. I'll go through hell itself if it will bring me closer to You."