Random Thoughts

I don't very often do random thoughts.  Well, that's not totally true - I often have random thoughts...I just generally don't write about them until I've spent a lot of time thinking about them.  But tonight I'm kind of stuck and need to take a few minutes to just divest myself of the glut of thoughts running around in my head.  I apologize in advance if it's random or if it doesn't make sense...

Here goes:

• Pastoring a church is really, really hard...
  
• I have no idea how to lead a church
  
• Why are we so obsessed with numbers?  Does it really matter that much if I added three people to my average attendance?  Isn't it more important that the people of the church came together and provided coats for a family that needed them and is putting together 100 boxes for Operation Christmas Child?
• I am not good at all at following the hard teachings of Jesus.
• How am I supposed to convince a church full of people to do the hard things that I don't do myself?
• I have to start doing the hard things.
• I don't want to start doing the hard things.
• Does that lack of desire to do the hard things - like stopping spending my money on books and mountain dew and instead give it away to people who need it or stopping eating like a glutton and take responsibility for my own body - mean that I am not a "real" Christian?
• Why on earth did God choose me for this task?
• I'm probably trying too hard to do all this on my own.
• I definitely need to learn that I am not in control of anything...which irritates me because I want to be in control.
• I don't care what people think of me, but I am finding myself constantly wondering if other pastors will see me as a success.
• Will I ever see myself as a success?
• I have always - for as long as I can remember, at least - dreamed about being a college professor and an author.
• That dream hasn't gone away since I received my call.
• Other dreams died - like the dreams of driving a really nice car and owning a really big house and of living a self-determined life.
• Why hasn't that dream of teaching and writing gone away?  Is that God's way of saying that it is okay to dream that dream; that maybe, just maybe, God's plan for my future involves the fulfillment of that dream?
• In order to teach, I would have to get a Ph.D. - I would LOVE to get a Ph.D. ... but how do I know if it's the right thing to do?
• Sometimes I think that being called to be a pastor means that I no longer have a right to dream any dream other than just, "I want to be where God wants me to be."
• Would it be turning my back on the call to preach if I were to become a teacher?
• Can I teach, write, AND preach?

Okay, that's enough random thoughts...I learned that apparently I am concerned with the idea of teaching & writing...

Wonder where that's going to go.